family ski trip

We went to Sun River for Christmas with the 'fam' - here's a picture of baby and me, cross country skiing through tons and tons of snow (if you look closely, you can see that my belly button has inverted - out-verted? - yikes)! It was a beautiful white Christmas and we were happy to have lots of down time to read, ski, and relax while eating Mom's good food. Baby had fun too (at least, we assume that all the kicking signifies happiness).

A fun new development: we have discovered that when baby is awake, we can ring a bell near my belly, and he moves in response! Further evidence that there really is a person in there!!

another climbing partner

Since we haven't been able to climb outside at all, we have had climbing-gym passes this fall. It's been interesting going once a week or so - we can watch my abilities deteriorate as my belly grows! My dad took this photo at our last trip because he loves to laugh at how funny I look, belly against the wall! At this point, there's almost nothing that's easy enough for me, so I'm about done with the rock gym. But for a while, it was a good way to work on my balance and adjust to my changing interaction with gravity - it's been a fun distraction. Hopefully in a few years, I'll reintroduce baby to the rock wall, and she will feel right at home :)

raining sunshine!

We had a beautiful baby shower in Wisconsin over Turkey weekend - complete with a chocolate fountain and organic strawberries for fondue. Joe says it was "spectacular, spectacular" (I think that's a reference to Moulin Rouge) And we got some very adorable little stuffed friends, clothes, blankets - you name it! These are some tiny little bamboo socks - perfect size for Joey's big toes! :) - a huge thanks to Katie, Mary and Lisa Nelson (and of course my M-I-L - G-ma-2-B)!!

big belly

okay - here we are - cozy and ready for bed in Chicago (visiting Pam!). yes, I know, what a difference a month makes!! aaahh - it's hard to remember being skinny!!!

reflections on introspection

I go to an intensely physical yoga class in a hot room. The teacher is fantasic and helps me figure out how to work with and around my growing belly; she's never had a student continue with yoga as far into their pregnancy so she says we are learning together (this is not your run-of-the-mill stretching class). So this morning one of the other thin, fit participants, unaccostomed to seeing big bellies, asked me "aren't you nervous doing this being so pregnant?"

In response, I was called to reflect on two dichotomous lessons that baby has taught me. The first profound (even surprising) realization is that "I know" - this might be my first child, but my body thousands of historical years' experience with pregnancy - it's inate. My body knows what it can do and what the limits are. Those limitations are changing every day, forcing me to constantly pay attention and take nothing for granted. Some days I can run for an hour, some days baby says 20 minutes is enough. The poses I could do yesterday might be uncomfortable tomorrow. I am changing so fast that it's hard for my brain to keep up, and if I had to consult an external source for every change, I'd never be able to keep pace. But I don't have to ask or look it up - I already know - I just have to listen. Maybe in some ways I've been practicing this for years by exercising and eating according to what my body asked for (not what my head decided); now I put more confidence than ever in what my body says, and it really isn't hard.

The second thing I've learned is that too many women allow medicine to take away their senses. People wait to share the news until they have "proof" by ultrasound of the growing fetus - evidence to me that medicine has too much control. In my first trimester people said "how can you be sure if you haven't seen a doctor yet?" I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt before the little pink-line test was positive because my baby and I are connected - literally. I started changing on day 1 and the developments are constant - I only have to pay attention.

So here's my answer: No, I am not at all nervous that I am doing too much. Yes, I have permission to run as much as I like (my baby gives me permission - or doesn't - on a daily basis). Yes, it's okay to bike (with slightly raised handlebars - making room for the belly), to walk to work (a little slower than I did last month), to go hiking (below 10,000 ft) or do intense yoga (with lots of modifications). No, a doctor didn't say it was okay - I didn't have to ask. Because we know, baby and I, what we can do, together. Some pain is good and some isn't; we've learned to tell the difference. And we trust that our instincts know best.

a first for everything

So I was grocery shopping the other day, buying Cheerios (no, not in preparation for having a toddler who likes finger food, but because I haven't grown out of that stage yet myself) - and one of the boxes had a kid book in it, so of course I picked that one. Then as I was standing in line, I thought "oh, holy geez, this is the first time I've picked cereal because of the 'prize' included" - yikes!

straight As!

So here's our 20-week ultrasound! (The picture at the left is a profile of baby's head and chest, lying down.) For those who don't know, some facts: this is our last scheduled ultrasound, so the next time we see the baby (unless something goes wrong) will be in person: How exciting!

This was the big one where they check all sorts of fancy measurements to make sure that baby is growing well, no defects, etc. It's really amazing how much you can see - the little heart valves, the shapes of the kidneys, each tiny vertebra - what a gift!

This is also the one where we had the option to find out baby's gender, and we didn't - so we're locked into the 'surprise' - we all have to wait for March (hopefully). And to dispell a few myths: no, sex isn't clearly obvious, and no, the radiologist doesn't know either - they don't look unless there's a problem. "God only knows" (haha)

So after we got all the measurements, etc. the radiologist came back in and said, "Congratulations: this is your baby's first straight-A report card!" - hurray - if we only ever see one A-report, this is definitely the one that matters :)

Then she did a 3D reconstruction, which is medically meaningless as far as I can tell, but really freakin' cool! It's like a live image of baby's features - here are some little feet (the small 'growth' out of the right leg is just artifact). The head and face pictures are definitely the best, but I only have those on paper, sorry!

the evidence!

Check out this STORY from CNN (which some of you might find more reputable than my 'granola' sources!).
- anyway, maybe my organic-ness isn't just a huge consumer scam to steal our $$. [and thanks Tia for the link.]

week 20

half-way to baby-time!!! Does that mean half-prepared? shopping half-done? half my books read? half the growing done? Definitely not. But I think I'm feeling half-ready to be a mom, so I suppose that's a start!

Anyway, here are some pictures for you people - I am staring to feel LARGE (and for all those who are thinking that this is nothing, just keep it quiet!). The one on the left shows the normal belly. The right is my new 'sucked in' belly, which I think is very funny because you can see the exact contour of baby (etc) - As a side-note, Joey doesn't like when I do that - he says "don't squish it!" but maybe baby likes being squeezed - it's like a full-body hug. :)

week 17

definitely a "pooch"! I finally broke down and went shopping today - Joey said "it's very important to feel comfortable all day long" with full science-teacher authority. Ergo, new pants and even a skirt to fit around my growth :)

It's hard to describe how strange it feels to have a 'grapefruit' stuck in your abdomen: Already if I lie on my belly, I feel as if there's not enough space for everything in there - how odd!

when I grow up, I'm going to have a REAL belly

a new development: This morning I started the pile of "clothes I hope I can someday fit into again" after I had to try on three pair of pants to find something to wear! So my eating is back to normal. I feel totally fine. I am gaining weight but not very much or very fast. People at work, my yoga teacher, etc. keep telling me that I look just the same and they could never tell. You might start to wonder if I'm really pregnant - I will admit that I feel like I'm not changing much. BUT ... the baby is growing :) - most of my clothes are now uncomfortable, which doesn't necessarily make me very happy, but it is definitely reassuring that she is getting bigger bigger bigger! Hopefully by now, he's about 5 inches long, and already has a full set of organs! He knows how to breathe, and even swallows and blinks! Incredible. If only I could learn new skills that fast - I'd be a statistical wiz by now!

PS: picture coming soon.

living simply

While I have been busy not-writing for a while, we have been thinking/talking lots about what sort of stuff we want for baby (thanks in part to the help of two great books), so I thought I'd give you all an update on how extreme we are hoping to be in introducing baby to an 'all-natural' world. Our theme is going to be, "less is more" - as we are a bit short on funds these days (teacher and student - you figure it out!) we are trying to invest well in a few pricey things that we can be sure are safe, rather than piles of cheap, toxic things. Here are a few things we've decided:

1. clothes! so many cute baby clothes out there, we have decided to be quite picky: preferably 100% organic cotton, or used cotton (pesticides wash out over time). Wool and hemp fabrics also okay, preferably with as little dye (or natural dye) as possible. No synthetic fabrics (although I imagine we might make an exception for a 'hiking-fleece-cover-all' so that baby can brave the elements!)

2. shoes! no baby shoes - most are made of toxic substances and go directly in the mouth (as soon as toes are discovered!), so we will wait until she is walking to give her hard-soled shoes. Booties it is. This might also have something to do with my life-long wish to spend every day in slippers :)

3. diapers! organic cloth (yes, I know, it's challenging - encourage us please!). We are going to make an exception to the 'no-plastic rule' and have plastic pants to save the mess. For traveling, non-chlorine, gel-free biodegradable (i.e. gDiapers.com or tushieswipes.com).

5. toys! no plastic for at least the first 9 months - there are several companies making wooden toys treated with safe coatings, or cloth but of course non-synthetic. I know this is limiting for stuffed animals, but really there are so many cute knit things out there. And don't worry, once he gets to 'Duplo' age we hope his immune system will be able to handle the shock of plastic :)

Okay, there are my first thoughts on what we will and won't use - now you are in the loop - more to follow as we get deeper into this. Feedback welcome!! and thanks to everyone for the support you have shown for this so far :)

week 13

To be honest, the angle of the sun exaggerates my large-ness -- it's really not that noticeable! But a bad picture is better than no picture, right??

board exams

So I got my Step 2 Board scores today: I passed - hurray! The funny part: my scores were all right around average except for one disease topic: "Disorders of Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Puerperium" and one medical specialty: "OB/GYN". In those two, I was way above average (I got a little *star* for being off-the-chart). I guess when I was studying, I paid special attention to the stuff that hit home!

second trimester ambitions

Well this is written in ambitious anticipation. As this is my 12th week, I am now nearing the close of my first trimester. So I have decided that all of my first trimester symptoms are going to end (silence! no dissent!). As such, I am soon going to start having plenty of energy - no more couch-sitting-wall-starring for me - and eating normal food again (vegetables!). But before that happens, here's a list of all those crazy things that I have eaten in the past three months, particularly the things which you might otherwise have thought I would never eat again:

• mac&cheese
• frozen pizza - any pizza really - as long as it's sans veggies
• bagels, bagels, more bagels with cream cheese
• icing (yes, off a cake - eeeww!)
• white rice with butter
• Fettuccine Alfredo
  
• Olive Garden
• hamburgers at least weekly
• lots of fruit juice
• ramen noodles
  
• taco bell (7 layer burrito - which was as disgusting as I should have known it would be!)
• 40 oz steak(s)
• organic cheesecake (may have to continue to eating this)

Do you see the theme? teehee - so much for my pre-baby ambitions for infusing him/her with health and vitamins from the day of conception. Well if my preferences don't change, I think I'll have to change the menu anyway to save the marriage. Although Joe has been surprisingly tolerant of our new eating style, lately it has become evident that he is getting tired of it. Last week he made veggie stir-fry and threatened me that he'd name the baby Kale if I didn't eat it!

everyone deserves a little insanity

So I will fess up with a little story that might amuse you all ...
When you start medical school, they warn you about "med student-itis" - the process by which you diagnose yourself repeatedly with diseases you do not have because you are learning about them, and you attribute your self-reflections to symptoms. This is quite common (i.e. "this morning I woke up tired - I must have mono"). For several years I suffered from the delusion that I was immune to this self-involved, head-in-the-clouds condition, thinking "I am much too grounded to be so silly".

Enter pregnancy. In my defense, I think it would be hard for anyone to find out about a new life growing in the belly and then spend two weeks cramming the head with all the things that can go wrong with pregnancy, intra-partum, post-partum, and all those horrible disease that are first diagnosed in childhood. It really was a bummer of a time to study for board exams.

I did pretty well with all of the pre-term labor, fetal anomalies, complications of childbirth, post-partum hemorrhage, and meningococcemia. But one disease really got to me: pseudocyesis. This is a condition where people think they are pregnant, but are not. The freaky part is that, not only do they think they are pregnant, but they have all the signs and symptoms - missed periods, morning sickness, breast tenderness, fatigue, abdominal swelling, weight gain, and - get ready for this - even a positive pregnancy test!! This really happens!! Now of course I knew this condition was quite rare (i.e. my mom the shrink has seen it only twice - once in a male - and my OB has never even heard of it) but nevertheless, there were a few terrifying days when I was completely convinced that I had pseudocyesis. I thought: what could be worse than having to call all your friends and family and say "I was actually never pregnant, but I am getting admitted to the psychiatric ward for insanity!"

Of course, my rational brain knew the baby was real; Joey said there was no way I would have stopped eating veggies for a false-alarm child; my Mom said "I'm not going to try to talk you out of a silly obsession" and my Dad's brilliant advice, a shrug: "Oh". No one would sympathize. But I got a small dose of what it feels like to be consumed to the point of paralysis with an utterly ridiculous worry about a almost-non-existent disease. Maybe this'll give me a little more empathy for Joe's delusion that he's going bald, or for that strange guy in the ER about the bomb in his printer. After all, just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you. :)

it's a real baby!!!

In case anyone was worried that I was insane and not pregnant, we now have real proof! This is my 10-week old bambino - if you look closely, you can see an upside-down very large head, a stomach, two arms and two legs floating in the blob in the middle of the gray. (The astute might also notice a glint of amniotic sac at the top, next to the right foot.) My sister was thoroughly unimpressed, but trust me, it was much cuter when you could see the little arms and legs flailing madly, and the tiny heartbeat fluttering away :) - how exciting! Technology is amazing: To think people used to have to wait until the baby was born to know it had all the right parts! Joey's reflection: "it's so cute; now I am sad we have to wait such a long time to meet it" - well, baby, we aren't quite ready for ya - so stay in there for a few more months!

PS: for the techno-challenged, if you click the picture, it gets bigger!

a high altitute start on life

Everyone is edging for a photo update - this is on Mt. Rainier - I couldn't quite work up the courage to ask someone to take a picture with my shirt up! But you can see that I really haven't changed - the same little pooch I had 3 weeks ago!!

"who are you and what have you done with my wife?"

I think this is Joey's favorite phrase lately - at least once a day he gives me the look of "I can't believe I heard you say that" - usually related to food. For the first time ever, I am having a really hard time doing anything healthy. Believe it or not, I don't like vegetables anymore, which pretty much means, I don't like anything that we used to eat. No salads, no sandwiches, no soups. No carrots or sweet peas for snacks.

I knew something was amiss when I was in the Boston airport - reading the menu for Au Bon Pain and thinking - usually, I would have a hard time deciding between all of these delicious items, but now I am having a hard time convincing myself that I could choke down any of them - so I went a few steps down the hall and got a cheeze pizza from Sparro!! Impossible - I thought my life was ending. Joe said "you hate pizza". Followed over the next few days with "but, you don't like mac&cheese" and "are you sure? we've never bought frozen lazagna - you aren't going to like it". Now he's getting used to my new preferences (although he insists there is no pattern - other than veggie-avoidance), and he accompanies me late at night to Burgerville for a hamburger or to the grocery to buy ramen-like noodle packages, with only a little astonishment, and I hear things like "of course you want that - it's full of salt and fat - everything we like!" Fortunately, they do make organic frozen pizza and all-natural beef is pretty easy to find in Portland. Maybe I am trading one sort of health for another: detoxified, but full of clean junk!

an all-natural pregnancy

(vs. an 'unnatural' pregnancy ... ??) Well, Joey and I have always said that when the time comes, we would make the switch to all organic and natural products. To give the baby the best chance at a toxin-free existence, I suppose. So as soon as we got the little pink line, no more Safeway shopping for us - all overpriced hormone-free food! How exciting! At the same time, we got rid of as many toxins as possible - natural dish soap, shampoo, deodorant - you name it. And we are cutting out plastic too: I now have glass food storage containers to take with me to school, trendy metal water bottles, and featherweight titanium silverware to replace my trusty plastic set.

Of course, a plastic-free existence would be an all-day chore in this day and age, so no, we are not yet raising chickens or milking our own cows - we're just doing the best we can. And discovering organic restaurants for guilt-free eating out!

So what everyone wants to know is: how extreme are we going to be with the baby, once he arrives? Well that's still up in the air; stay tuned for more in the months to come :)
And in the meantime, you can laugh at me while I sell my half-empty, no-longer-acceptable box of Tide, while still purchasing pre-sliced mushrooms in an evil Styrofoam box, covered in cancer-causing cling-wrap! Oh, the hipocracy of being idealistic and too lazy to wash mushrooms.

missed clues

Every time that I have talked to Eduardo during the past year and half, she has asked me if I was pregnant. Except when I actually was. I stayed in Boston for 5 days, dropping clues left and right, without getting discovered. Here are a few of the hints:

- not sampling the delicious-looking sushi (which I love)
- buying baby socks at Fenway Park
- requesting a special salad without feta cheese (my favorite)
- having my burger overcooked (gross!)
- an uncanny interest in kids books
- no EtOH (even at a burgers and beer party)
- my frequent, urgent demands for the bathroom
- many odd food demands
- "I like that name" comments
- just a little weight gain (which Tia noticed, so I'm not just paranoid!)

Did I miss any??

where I'm at

So the picture below is clearly me, perhaps more 'normal' than I'll ever again be: not yet 'showing' but feeling quite bloated (or is that the Wisconsin-then-Boston gluttony?). We have told my immediate family (and Joe's) and everyone was quite surprised. So yesterday on a hike in New Hampshire, I told Tia and Eduardo who of course are the impetus behind this little string-of-nonsense/waste-of-time: my participation in the technology age.

So here's the update: I knew I was 'expecting' about 10 days before that silly pink line finally showed up on my third pregnancy test. For the first few weeks, I felt really different - not bad, just not myself at all. Every minute of every day, I was aware of the changes taking place. Now, seven weeks in, other than feeling bloated and like I have to pee all the time (damn hormones!), it's sometimes hard to remember that soon our little family will be a little bigger.

So if I am organized enough, I can use these postings to track everything that's happening to me physically (and both of us emotionally) and you can keep up with my impending parenthood. In the meantime, at the least, it might help me remember that I'm not just me anymore!

week 7

Breaking the news

Yep, you guessed it: I'm pregnant! :)
I'm being coerced into starting a blog, so please enjoy!