reflections on introspection

I go to an intensely physical yoga class in a hot room. The teacher is fantasic and helps me figure out how to work with and around my growing belly; she's never had a student continue with yoga as far into their pregnancy so she says we are learning together (this is not your run-of-the-mill stretching class). So this morning one of the other thin, fit participants, unaccostomed to seeing big bellies, asked me "aren't you nervous doing this being so pregnant?"

In response, I was called to reflect on two dichotomous lessons that baby has taught me. The first profound (even surprising) realization is that "I know" - this might be my first child, but my body thousands of historical years' experience with pregnancy - it's inate. My body knows what it can do and what the limits are. Those limitations are changing every day, forcing me to constantly pay attention and take nothing for granted. Some days I can run for an hour, some days baby says 20 minutes is enough. The poses I could do yesterday might be uncomfortable tomorrow. I am changing so fast that it's hard for my brain to keep up, and if I had to consult an external source for every change, I'd never be able to keep pace. But I don't have to ask or look it up - I already know - I just have to listen. Maybe in some ways I've been practicing this for years by exercising and eating according to what my body asked for (not what my head decided); now I put more confidence than ever in what my body says, and it really isn't hard.

The second thing I've learned is that too many women allow medicine to take away their senses. People wait to share the news until they have "proof" by ultrasound of the growing fetus - evidence to me that medicine has too much control. In my first trimester people said "how can you be sure if you haven't seen a doctor yet?" I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt before the little pink-line test was positive because my baby and I are connected - literally. I started changing on day 1 and the developments are constant - I only have to pay attention.

So here's my answer: No, I am not at all nervous that I am doing too much. Yes, I have permission to run as much as I like (my baby gives me permission - or doesn't - on a daily basis). Yes, it's okay to bike (with slightly raised handlebars - making room for the belly), to walk to work (a little slower than I did last month), to go hiking (below 10,000 ft) or do intense yoga (with lots of modifications). No, a doctor didn't say it was okay - I didn't have to ask. Because we know, baby and I, what we can do, together. Some pain is good and some isn't; we've learned to tell the difference. And we trust that our instincts know best.